you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
