Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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