omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
