Moan for me like Helen Keller
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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