just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
