can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
