walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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