captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
we're making bets on your personal life
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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