I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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