Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
