he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
