Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
