the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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