I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
