he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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