dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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