Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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