so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
