have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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