I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize