I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
