So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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