the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
