Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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