Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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