Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
