Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
