I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Randomize
