4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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