My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
