You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Panties = found
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