my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
