I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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