His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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