textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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