my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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