you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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