Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
