Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
