one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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