How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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