You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
