Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
