Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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