I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
