I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
