Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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