Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
