I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
