you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
