Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
