Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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