eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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