if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
