I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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