just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
