We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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