is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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