I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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