If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize