I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
is wine microwaveable?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
