I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
