I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
