You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
