mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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