Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
