i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
