I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
